Tales of the Invisible Ben

2. “Man is born crying. When he has cried enough, he dies.”

3. “First, you've got that bloody old fortress on top of that bloody cliff. Then you've got the bloody cliff overhang. You can't even see the bloody cave, let alone the bloody guns. And anyway, we haven't got a bloody bomb big enough to smash that bloody rock. And that's the bloody truth, sir.”

4. “They say that the best weapon is the one you never have to fire. I respectfully disagree. I prefer the weapon you only have to fire once. That's how Dad did it, that's how America does it, and it's worked out pretty well so far.”

5. “First we'll make snow angels for a two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we'll snuggle.”

6. “Tom has nightmares. That's not a good thing. Tom has someone to love him. That is a good thing. Tom is crushing me. Tom is crushing me... Tom, you're crushing me!”

7. “Max, find me a frog and a bear in a tan Studebaker.”
“Gee, Doc, all I can see is a frog and a bear in a rainbow-colored Studebaker.”

8. “Good Lord - I've heard about this...cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?”

9. “This is an elegant crime, done by an elegant person. It's not about the money.”
“So, who steals a Monet, just to not sell it?”
“A Monet lover.”

10. “Nice shooting, son. What's your name?”
“Murphy.”

11. “Listen, I think we got started off on the wrong foot. Stan Goodspeed, FBl. Uh...let's talk music. Do you like the Elton John song, 'Rocket Man'?”

12. “I'm your best friend. What's more important than that, huh?...And I'm three months older than you are, asshole!”

13. “I'm sorry gentlemen. I...I know I'm being disrespectful to this honorable body, I know that. I- A guy like me should never be allowed to get in here in the first place. I know that! And I hate to stand here and try your patience like this, but either I'm dead right or I'm crazy!”

14. “Vargas does not drink, does not smoke, does not make love. What do you do, Vargas?”

15. “Your small minds are musclebound with suspicion. That's because the only exercise you ever get is jumping to conclusions.”

16. “Short people have long faces, and long people have short faces. Big people have little humor, and little people have no humor at all.”

17. “Now, you take a bobcat or a fox. You know they'll run if you give 'em the chance. But when one don't run, or maybe makes fight at you, why, you shoot him and shoot him quick. After he's bitten you, it's too late.”

18. “Wait for me, Audrey. This is between me and the vegetable!”

19. “So, if the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup, unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto, then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh in a blind choice round robin. And if no clear winner emerges from all of this, a two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion can be crowned.”

20. “When her robe is unfurled, she will show you the world, if you step up and tell her where. For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paris, or Washington crossing the Delaware.”

21. “At least we've got it stopped.”
“Yeah, as long as the Arctic stays cold.”

22. “You want me to kill THE ENEMIES of Jappos, I'll kill THE ENEMIES of Jappos... Rebs, or Sioux, or Cheyenne... For 500 bucks a month I'll kill whoever you want. But keep one thing in mind: I'd happily kill you for free.”

23. “The last miracle I did was the 1969 Mets. Before that, I think you have to go back to the Red Sea.”

24. “Well, I got nowhere else to go, the ex-wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce. All I got left is my bones.”

25. “Tell me, isn't a sheriff supposed to be courageous, loyal and, above all, honest?”
“Yeah, that he is.”
“Think you people need a new sheriff.”

26. “I know what you're thinking. 'Did he fire six shots or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself.”

27. “Plus six Eiffel Towers. How much did they fetch?”
“Twenty-five thousand pounds. Enough to keep me for one year in the style to which I was, ah, unaccustomed.”

28. “A few hours ago, you were giving chai for the phone wallahs. And now you're richer than they will ever be. What a player!”

29. “By the cut of your suit, you went to Oxford or wherever. Naturally you think human beings dress like that. But you wear it with such disdain, my guess is you didn't come from money, and your school friends never let you forget it. Which means that you were at that school by the grace of someone else's charity, hence that chip on your shoulder. And since you’re first thought about me ran to 'orphan,' that's what I'd say you are.”

30. “One more clean shot to the head, and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal.”

31. “Taha, old friend, and very dear brother. Karen, child of light and daughter of Israel, shalom.”

32. “What is best in life?”
“To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.”

33. “What can you say about a twenty-five-year-old girl who died? That she was beautiful and brilliant? That she loved Mozart and Bach, the Beatles, and me?”

34. “Don't you know it's dangerous to climb into a refrigerator? Those things can be deathtraps!”

35. “This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know up front, this is not a love story.”

36. “I worked with Freud in Vienna. We broke over the concept of penis envy. Freud felt that it should be limited to women.”

37. “Oh, excuse me, your honor...two YOUTHS!”

38. “I think it's just elegant to have an imagination. I just have no imagination at all. I have lots of other things, but I have no imagination.”

39. “That's a bingo! Is that the way you say it? 'That's a bingo?'”

40. “That's a shame, being that it's the 4th of July and all. Kids like you should be out having fun. Drinking, partying, running people over, getting away with murder... things like that.”

41. “If you look deep into the stone, you will perceive the tiniest discoloration. It resembles an animal.”

42. “He endured blistering winds and scorching deserts - he climbed the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower - and what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married!”

43. “You are one wise Caucasian, Vic.”

44. “Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth

45. “I speak over two thousand languages, including Dodo and Unicorn. I had a classical education.”

46. “And crawling, on the planet's face, some insects, called the human race. Lost in time, and lost in space...and meaning.”

47. “An Englishman never jokes about a wager, sir.”

48. “There is no such thing as a bad boy.”

49. “Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them doggies rollin'...Man my ass is swollen, Rawhide! Get 'em up, move 'em out, wake 'em up, get 'em dressed, get 'em shaved, comb their hair, Rawhide!”

50. “Made it, Ma! Top of the world!”