Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Uncertain Times
Today I submitted the grades to my students' final exams and thus concluded my first time teaching at the college level. On the whole, I found it a more positive experience than my time at Underwood High, though the few triumphs I had in my previous position were probably more exhilarating. It's difficult to compare learning that a recommendation letter you wrote helped get a kid from an underprivileged public school into the Ivy League with learning that several of your Ivy League students passed an exam that required them to distinguish Maxwell's Demon from Schroedinger's Cat. Still, it was a worthwhile endeavor and one I may attempt to repeat one day...although that may change depending on how much my students lash out in their online evaluation forms. (I won't find out for another week.)
In the meanwhile, the conclusion of my teaching obligation means that it's time to start thinking about my dissertation once again, something that has me quite concerned. Although my prospectus was officially accepted, I still feel like I know nearly nothing about my chosen research topics, the history of liquid crystal displays...and more broadly, the history of display technology as a whole. Granted, my previous forays into the topic have helped alleviate this deficiency somewhat, but soon I will be expected to be an expert in the field. And it feels like "soon" almost means "tomorrow." How the hell can one expect to master so much material so quickly?
But all of that is just normal stress, which is to say, mental anxiety that might exist absent any further extraordinary circumstances. Unfortunately, today a major extraordinary circumstance came crashing down on my head.
You would think I would recognize the signs. The most obvious of these is when my advisor pulls me aside and after saying hello utters three little words that are guaranteed to make anybody nervous: "Don't freak out."
When he met me this morning it was a little before 10 AM. I had finished about half of the Times crossword and although we'd be meeting to finalize course grades, the rest of my day seemed relatively straightforward. Maybe head to the library to work on some fellowship applications, maybe do a little reading (maybe even for fun?), who knows? Then came those three little words and the news which followed and suddenly things get a lot more complicated.
"Don't freak out," he told me. But he had news. Another professor in our program had been at a meeting the previous weekend where she had learned that the archive where all my research was slated to occur...the sole repository for all the primary source documents...heck, nearly ALL the material associated with my project was shutting down. Apparently, the corporation which houses the archives saw them as something of an unprofitable albatross, and even if things were going well so far as the bottom-line was concerned, in today's economy, it's always wise to start streamlining.
All good in theory, but again, this is the only archive I have. And there is no backup and no real alternative if I want to pursue my current research agenda. These are the documents and that library is where you find them.
Needless to say, despite my best efforts, I was (and still am) a little bit freaked out.
On my advisor's recommendation, I called up my contact at the archive. He informed me that the closure was real, but not immediate. I had until at least June to photograph or photocopy as much material as possible before they needed to start boxing up documents. After that, however, it's unclear where the archive will be going...and since ideally, I would like to have access to the archive once it's moved, I'm not sure where I'll be going either.
But all of that is in the future, albeit an increasingly uncertain one. For now, I need to hammer out a coherent strategy to attack my research and try not to lose my nerve.
Today I submitted the grades to my students' final exams and thus concluded my first time teaching at the college level. On the whole, I found it a more positive experience than my time at Underwood High, though the few triumphs I had in my previous position were probably more exhilarating. It's difficult to compare learning that a recommendation letter you wrote helped get a kid from an underprivileged public school into the Ivy League with learning that several of your Ivy League students passed an exam that required them to distinguish Maxwell's Demon from Schroedinger's Cat. Still, it was a worthwhile endeavor and one I may attempt to repeat one day...although that may change depending on how much my students lash out in their online evaluation forms. (I won't find out for another week.)
In the meanwhile, the conclusion of my teaching obligation means that it's time to start thinking about my dissertation once again, something that has me quite concerned. Although my prospectus was officially accepted, I still feel like I know nearly nothing about my chosen research topics, the history of liquid crystal displays...and more broadly, the history of display technology as a whole. Granted, my previous forays into the topic have helped alleviate this deficiency somewhat, but soon I will be expected to be an expert in the field. And it feels like "soon" almost means "tomorrow." How the hell can one expect to master so much material so quickly?
But all of that is just normal stress, which is to say, mental anxiety that might exist absent any further extraordinary circumstances. Unfortunately, today a major extraordinary circumstance came crashing down on my head.
You would think I would recognize the signs. The most obvious of these is when my advisor pulls me aside and after saying hello utters three little words that are guaranteed to make anybody nervous: "Don't freak out."
When he met me this morning it was a little before 10 AM. I had finished about half of the Times crossword and although we'd be meeting to finalize course grades, the rest of my day seemed relatively straightforward. Maybe head to the library to work on some fellowship applications, maybe do a little reading (maybe even for fun?), who knows? Then came those three little words and the news which followed and suddenly things get a lot more complicated.
"Don't freak out," he told me. But he had news. Another professor in our program had been at a meeting the previous weekend where she had learned that the archive where all my research was slated to occur...the sole repository for all the primary source documents...heck, nearly ALL the material associated with my project was shutting down. Apparently, the corporation which houses the archives saw them as something of an unprofitable albatross, and even if things were going well so far as the bottom-line was concerned, in today's economy, it's always wise to start streamlining.
All good in theory, but again, this is the only archive I have. And there is no backup and no real alternative if I want to pursue my current research agenda. These are the documents and that library is where you find them.
Needless to say, despite my best efforts, I was (and still am) a little bit freaked out.
On my advisor's recommendation, I called up my contact at the archive. He informed me that the closure was real, but not immediate. I had until at least June to photograph or photocopy as much material as possible before they needed to start boxing up documents. After that, however, it's unclear where the archive will be going...and since ideally, I would like to have access to the archive once it's moved, I'm not sure where I'll be going either.
But all of that is in the future, albeit an increasingly uncertain one. For now, I need to hammer out a coherent strategy to attack my research and try not to lose my nerve.
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