Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Harry Potter and the Unexpected Plot Twist
We interrupt this blog’s month long focus on Bavarian history and culture to discuss something of even greater literary, and I dare to suggest, historical significance.
I refer, of course, to the release of the final volume of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series, an event which, as the picture above from a German bookstore illustrates, possesses truly global scope. In fact, one would be hard-pressed to name another book whose release has been so eagerly discussed in the popular press...except of course for the previous Harry Potter installment. As one might expect, the Potter-philes have been out in full force this week, reveling in the box office success of the cinematic adaptation of the series’ fifth book and eagerly speculating upon the ultimate fate of everyone favorite British wizard-in-training. (I actually watched the new movie this afternoon at a theater near the Deutsches Museum. Aside from some unexpectedly sweet British-style sugared popcorn, I thoroughly enjoyed the whole experience...even the badly dubbed trailer for National Treasure 2: History Schmistory!) The message boards on Mugglenet and The Leaky Cauldron are all buzzing with debates over whether various characters will survive throughout the book’s 750+ pages and whether all of the unresolved questions from the previous six books will be answeed in an appropriate fashion. Never mind that the Potter fan community is brimming with enough factions to make even the most die-hard parliamentarian dizzy.
I have no doubt that part of this debate results from the genuine enthusiasm fans feel towards Rowling’s works and their deep and abiding love for the characters which she created. At the same time, however, it provides a convenient means for fans to forestall the inevitable realization that this is, in fact, the end of their precious series. Because barring an unforeseen reversal on the author’s part, within a few days, Harry Potter’s story will be over. The conclusion of a truly great story fills its audience with a bittersweet mixture of satisfaction and depression— contentment at the way the various narrative threads have been tied up, but frustration that at the necessity of an ending. And despite only being a casual Potter fan (especially compared to a certain girlfriend of mine who will remain nameless), I am relatively confident that Rowling’s writing will live up to this emotional standard, securing a lasting place for Harry Potter in the annals of young adult literature for many years to come.
I did not arrive at this conclusion easily. I was, for example, quite disappointed by Book 7's title: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. After all, lots of people have dealt with stones, chambers, or goblets in their time. Not to mention the occasional half-blood prisoner with a pet phoenix (or living in Phoenix!)...but how many people can tell you what a hallow is? Honestly, I’ve asked around and no one can seem to tell me what they are or why they should be deadly. Apparently, J.K. Rowling has sworn that it will all make sense after we’ve read the story, but I’m still going to go on the record as saying that so far as the Harry Potter series’ titles are concerned, this book drew the short straw.
That does not mean, however, that I am going to avoid reading it or engaging in my own reckless speculation about the book or its characters. The following ideas are entirely my own. Any resemblance to any spoilers, published either online or elsewhere, is purely coincidental.
Here’s what I, with my Outstanding OWL scores in Divination, predict the future holds for:
Harry Potter: Successfully avoids even the deadliest of hallows, maintaining his 100% survival rate against dark wizardry, once and for all confirming his “Boy Who Lived” moniker.
Ron Weasley: Tired of being shoved in the corner during Harry’s duels with Voldemort, Ron actually manages to do something useful, nonchalantly firing a Muggle-made sniper rifle at the Dark Lord during the latter’s final evil monologue and ensure his best friend's success. (Projectilus Bolt-actionus!)
Hermione Granger: Everyone’s frizzy-haired know-it-all suffers from a panic attack halfway through the book when she realizes that her time at Hogwarts, where she was the academic big fish in the medium sized pond, is coming to a close. Setting aside her spellbooks, she hitchhikes around the Continent for a while and shacks up briefly with Viktor Krum before coming back to her senses, returning to Hogwarts, and convincing her “Ronald” that they were meant to be together.
Severus Snape: Reveals his true motivation for tormenting Harry and murdering Dumbledore...an elaborate scheme to steal British treasury bonds worth an estimated 600 million Galleons. Killed by Bellatrix Lestrange who discovers his heretofore concealed link with the arms dealers who sold Ron his sniper rifle.
Lord Voldemort (a.k.a. Tom Marvolo Riddle, He Who Shall Not Be Named, Quirrell’s Dirty Little Secret, Ralph Fiennes): He’s a dead man. For real this time. No more of his normal shell-games, tricking wizards into playing a fun game of “Find My Soul.” Nope, this time, it’s all over, and the sad fact is there is very little that our pal Voldy can do about it thanks to the machinations of...
Albus Dumbledore: The inclusion of The Big D on this list is likely causing fits among the more die-hard Potter-philes in the audience, who are even now snorting butterbeer out of their noses in disgust and accusing me of being crazier than a hippogriff hopped upon gillyweed. After all, Dumbledore DIED in Book 6, didn’t he? (Answer: Yes he did. Rowling even confirmed it.) How can Dumbledore be in Book 7 if he died in Book 6?
The answer is simple: Time Travel. Dumbledore has already demonstrated a functional knowledge of temporal mechanics during the whole Prisoner of Azkaban affair and is known to be in possession of a working Time Turner amulet. It would be no trouble at all for him to travel back to his own laboratory in the past, grow a homunculus of himself, and send it back to die in his stead. But the question must now be asked, given that he COULD do those things, WHY would he go to such great pains to fake his own death? Thankfully, Hogwarts has someone who can put all the pieces together for us.
Luna Lovegood: Good old Loonie. Remember all those crazy theories her father’s been publishing for years in the Quibbler? The ones that nobody believes? The ones that make the Weekly World News look respectable? Well, it turns out they’re almost entirely true, and this is the book where Luna finally gets to say “I told you so.” to all of those who doubted that Voldemort was merely an INCREDIBLY REALISTIC illusion created by Dumbledore in order to bestow the House Cup to Gryffindor in perpetuity by allowing Harry and his friends to earn several billion points for his death. (What? It’s not like the endings of the earlier books are any less contrived. After all, who REALLY earned the House Cup in Book 1?)
Minerva McGonagall: With the House Cup firmly under Gryffindor’s control, Hogwarts’ Professor of Transfiguration can finally retire. She fills the time by writing angry letters to the editor of The Daily Prophet about misspelled answers in their crossword puzzles and chiding her former students in a firm, yet loving, Scottish accent.
Neville Longbottom: It’s better living through herbology for Neville in Book 7, as he avenges his parents by paralyzing Bellatrix Lestrange with a well-placed dose of belladonna extract. Unfortunately, this means that the driving force behind his newfound magical combat skills is out of the picture and Neville’s plant-based experiments start tending towards the use of black lights and psychedelic tie-dye robes.
Draco Malfoy: Eaten by Voldemort’s pet snake Nagini for failing to kill Dumbledore.
Nagini: Also makes short work of Daily Prophet reporter Rita Skeeter, who looked surprisingly like a slimy (yet satisfying) insect, before being consumed herself by Hagrid’s giant brother Grawp.
Sirius Black: Having passed through a mysterious glowing portal to his “death” in Book 5, Black spends the entirety of Book 7 unsuccessfully trying to travel back to the future from the 1930s. He encounters several strange Americans, including one whose ears had been injured by a mechanical rice picker, but ends up reaching the future the old fashioned way (i.e. living) as a senile centenarian raving about boron and coin flipping.
Rubeus Hagrid: Accidentally crushes Peter Pettigrew to death while the latter is in his rodent form, while yammering on about how he and his brother were eventually going to have their own farm where they can live off the land.
Lucius Malfoy: After making light of Hagrid’s half-giant ancestry one time too many, Lucius meets his fate in the Forbidden Forest, making snide comments while being ripped apart by the groundskeeper’s secret menagerie.
Cedric Diggory: Remains popular, even though he’s now a pile of popular remains. Last seen hanging out with Nearly Headless Nick and occasionally flirting with Moaning Myrtle in the girls’ washroom.
Cho Chang: Ends up dating Viktor Krum after Hermione returns from Europe. The two find they have a surprising amount in common such as: 1. Monosyllabic last names. 2. Being dumped by main characters, and eventually become engaged.
AND NOW, A BRIEF INTERLUDE WITH THE AMAZING WEASLEY FAMILY!
Molly and Arthur Weasley: The loving, but exhausted, parents of the Weasley clan are quite thrilled that within a few years they may finally have the house all to themselves again, even if Arthur will likely shatter any hope for peace and quiet with his newly acquired Muggle-manufactured entertainment system.
Bill Weasley: Along with his new bride, Fleur Delacouer, opens a successful steakhouse franchise, providing Britain with its first taste of properly cooked meat. He is soon knighted for his efforts.
Charlie Weasley: The Hogwarts equivalent of Chuck Cunningham, as far as we know, he’s still living in Romania working with the dragons. Some things will never change.
Percy Weasley: Having dabbled briefly with the dark side throughout the series, Percy finally decides that full-fledged malevolence requires too much energy. He settles instead for a comfortable middle management position at the Ministry of Magic, crushing peoples hopes and dreams through his mastery of Bureaucromancy.
Fred and George Weasley: Arrested by British anti-terrorism authorities after “accidentally” filling the House of Lords with Bertie Botts’ Every Flavored Jellybeans. An escape seems to be in the works, however.
Ginny Weasley: Eager to capture Harry’s affections once and for all, Ginny stands outside his window, holding the Sorting Hat over her head and forcing it to sing a heartwrenching Peter Gabriel medley. Harry is actually too busy to pay attention at the time, what with trying to finish off Voldemort, but he makes it up to her afterwards by asking her out on a real, honest-to-goodness date at a fancy restaurant.
(WE NOW RETURN YOU TO THE REST OF THE HARRY POTTER CAST)
Remus Lupin: In an inspired move, Lupin joins forces with Bill Weasley to become the greatest team of crime-fighting lycanthropes in British history. The spin-off possibilities are endless!
Nymphadora Tonks: Highly supportive of Lupin's efforts to combat illegal activity in Britain. Unfortunately, due to that country’s low crime rate, those plans seem doomed to fail unless someone can find some vice for he and Bill to confront...and fast. Good thing he has a clever, shapeshifting girlfriend who is more than willing to manipulate the seedy underbelly of Diagon Alley to boost her boyfriend’s self-esteem.
Dolores Umbridge: After her negative portrayal in Cornelius Fudge’s tell-all memoir, Dolores’ already tenuous grasp of reality begins to crumble and she eventually becomes what was foreshadowed so strongly in the new movie...a crazy cat lady.
Sybill Trelawney: One word—LASIK!
Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody: Ditto.
Professor Flitwick: Singlehandedly defeats the Empire, saves a magical princess, and protects his pot of gold from meddling teenagers, all while conducting the Hogwarts chorus in a rousing rendition of the school’s alma mater during Harry’s graduation.
Gilderoy Lockhart: Has finally relearned to distinguish simple shapes and colors. The doctors also say that he can dress himself, but that seems like a bit of a stretch.
Dobby and Kreacher: Ah, the simple pleasures of a house-elf knife fight! No matter who dies, everybody wins. Except for Filch...he has to clean up the mess.
The Dursleys: Except for Dudley’s brief stint on the competitive eating circuit, Harry’s foster family fades back into obscurity, just like they always wanted.
And last but not least:
Horace Slughorn: Thinks that all of these people are terribly interesting and wants to invite them all to dinner at his place so that they can get to know each other. You know, a little party with a few rising stars! Refreshments will be served.
That’s all I’ve got for now. If there are any characters that you feel I missed and you would like me to speculate upon their fates before I return to America and actually read the last book, let me know.
Otherwise, to those of you brave and/or foolish enough to stand in line at midnight in order to get the book, best of luck. And to J.K. Rowling, whom I doubt will ever read this blog as she has far better things to do with her time, thank you for all of your hard work in sharing this world and these characters with us...and please don’t sue me.
We interrupt this blog’s month long focus on Bavarian history and culture to discuss something of even greater literary, and I dare to suggest, historical significance.
I refer, of course, to the release of the final volume of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series, an event which, as the picture above from a German bookstore illustrates, possesses truly global scope. In fact, one would be hard-pressed to name another book whose release has been so eagerly discussed in the popular press...except of course for the previous Harry Potter installment. As one might expect, the Potter-philes have been out in full force this week, reveling in the box office success of the cinematic adaptation of the series’ fifth book and eagerly speculating upon the ultimate fate of everyone favorite British wizard-in-training. (I actually watched the new movie this afternoon at a theater near the Deutsches Museum. Aside from some unexpectedly sweet British-style sugared popcorn, I thoroughly enjoyed the whole experience...even the badly dubbed trailer for National Treasure 2: History Schmistory!) The message boards on Mugglenet and The Leaky Cauldron are all buzzing with debates over whether various characters will survive throughout the book’s 750+ pages and whether all of the unresolved questions from the previous six books will be answeed in an appropriate fashion. Never mind that the Potter fan community is brimming with enough factions to make even the most die-hard parliamentarian dizzy.
I have no doubt that part of this debate results from the genuine enthusiasm fans feel towards Rowling’s works and their deep and abiding love for the characters which she created. At the same time, however, it provides a convenient means for fans to forestall the inevitable realization that this is, in fact, the end of their precious series. Because barring an unforeseen reversal on the author’s part, within a few days, Harry Potter’s story will be over. The conclusion of a truly great story fills its audience with a bittersweet mixture of satisfaction and depression— contentment at the way the various narrative threads have been tied up, but frustration that at the necessity of an ending. And despite only being a casual Potter fan (especially compared to a certain girlfriend of mine who will remain nameless), I am relatively confident that Rowling’s writing will live up to this emotional standard, securing a lasting place for Harry Potter in the annals of young adult literature for many years to come.
I did not arrive at this conclusion easily. I was, for example, quite disappointed by Book 7's title: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. After all, lots of people have dealt with stones, chambers, or goblets in their time. Not to mention the occasional half-blood prisoner with a pet phoenix (or living in Phoenix!)...but how many people can tell you what a hallow is? Honestly, I’ve asked around and no one can seem to tell me what they are or why they should be deadly. Apparently, J.K. Rowling has sworn that it will all make sense after we’ve read the story, but I’m still going to go on the record as saying that so far as the Harry Potter series’ titles are concerned, this book drew the short straw.
That does not mean, however, that I am going to avoid reading it or engaging in my own reckless speculation about the book or its characters. The following ideas are entirely my own. Any resemblance to any spoilers, published either online or elsewhere, is purely coincidental.
Here’s what I, with my Outstanding OWL scores in Divination, predict the future holds for:
Harry Potter: Successfully avoids even the deadliest of hallows, maintaining his 100% survival rate against dark wizardry, once and for all confirming his “Boy Who Lived” moniker.
Ron Weasley: Tired of being shoved in the corner during Harry’s duels with Voldemort, Ron actually manages to do something useful, nonchalantly firing a Muggle-made sniper rifle at the Dark Lord during the latter’s final evil monologue and ensure his best friend's success. (Projectilus Bolt-actionus!)
Hermione Granger: Everyone’s frizzy-haired know-it-all suffers from a panic attack halfway through the book when she realizes that her time at Hogwarts, where she was the academic big fish in the medium sized pond, is coming to a close. Setting aside her spellbooks, she hitchhikes around the Continent for a while and shacks up briefly with Viktor Krum before coming back to her senses, returning to Hogwarts, and convincing her “Ronald” that they were meant to be together.
Severus Snape: Reveals his true motivation for tormenting Harry and murdering Dumbledore...an elaborate scheme to steal British treasury bonds worth an estimated 600 million Galleons. Killed by Bellatrix Lestrange who discovers his heretofore concealed link with the arms dealers who sold Ron his sniper rifle.
Lord Voldemort (a.k.a. Tom Marvolo Riddle, He Who Shall Not Be Named, Quirrell’s Dirty Little Secret, Ralph Fiennes): He’s a dead man. For real this time. No more of his normal shell-games, tricking wizards into playing a fun game of “Find My Soul.” Nope, this time, it’s all over, and the sad fact is there is very little that our pal Voldy can do about it thanks to the machinations of...
Albus Dumbledore: The inclusion of The Big D on this list is likely causing fits among the more die-hard Potter-philes in the audience, who are even now snorting butterbeer out of their noses in disgust and accusing me of being crazier than a hippogriff hopped upon gillyweed. After all, Dumbledore DIED in Book 6, didn’t he? (Answer: Yes he did. Rowling even confirmed it.) How can Dumbledore be in Book 7 if he died in Book 6?
The answer is simple: Time Travel. Dumbledore has already demonstrated a functional knowledge of temporal mechanics during the whole Prisoner of Azkaban affair and is known to be in possession of a working Time Turner amulet. It would be no trouble at all for him to travel back to his own laboratory in the past, grow a homunculus of himself, and send it back to die in his stead. But the question must now be asked, given that he COULD do those things, WHY would he go to such great pains to fake his own death? Thankfully, Hogwarts has someone who can put all the pieces together for us.
Luna Lovegood: Good old Loonie. Remember all those crazy theories her father’s been publishing for years in the Quibbler? The ones that nobody believes? The ones that make the Weekly World News look respectable? Well, it turns out they’re almost entirely true, and this is the book where Luna finally gets to say “I told you so.” to all of those who doubted that Voldemort was merely an INCREDIBLY REALISTIC illusion created by Dumbledore in order to bestow the House Cup to Gryffindor in perpetuity by allowing Harry and his friends to earn several billion points for his death. (What? It’s not like the endings of the earlier books are any less contrived. After all, who REALLY earned the House Cup in Book 1?)
Minerva McGonagall: With the House Cup firmly under Gryffindor’s control, Hogwarts’ Professor of Transfiguration can finally retire. She fills the time by writing angry letters to the editor of The Daily Prophet about misspelled answers in their crossword puzzles and chiding her former students in a firm, yet loving, Scottish accent.
Neville Longbottom: It’s better living through herbology for Neville in Book 7, as he avenges his parents by paralyzing Bellatrix Lestrange with a well-placed dose of belladonna extract. Unfortunately, this means that the driving force behind his newfound magical combat skills is out of the picture and Neville’s plant-based experiments start tending towards the use of black lights and psychedelic tie-dye robes.
Draco Malfoy: Eaten by Voldemort’s pet snake Nagini for failing to kill Dumbledore.
Nagini: Also makes short work of Daily Prophet reporter Rita Skeeter, who looked surprisingly like a slimy (yet satisfying) insect, before being consumed herself by Hagrid’s giant brother Grawp.
Sirius Black: Having passed through a mysterious glowing portal to his “death” in Book 5, Black spends the entirety of Book 7 unsuccessfully trying to travel back to the future from the 1930s. He encounters several strange Americans, including one whose ears had been injured by a mechanical rice picker, but ends up reaching the future the old fashioned way (i.e. living) as a senile centenarian raving about boron and coin flipping.
Rubeus Hagrid: Accidentally crushes Peter Pettigrew to death while the latter is in his rodent form, while yammering on about how he and his brother were eventually going to have their own farm where they can live off the land.
Lucius Malfoy: After making light of Hagrid’s half-giant ancestry one time too many, Lucius meets his fate in the Forbidden Forest, making snide comments while being ripped apart by the groundskeeper’s secret menagerie.
Cedric Diggory: Remains popular, even though he’s now a pile of popular remains. Last seen hanging out with Nearly Headless Nick and occasionally flirting with Moaning Myrtle in the girls’ washroom.
Cho Chang: Ends up dating Viktor Krum after Hermione returns from Europe. The two find they have a surprising amount in common such as: 1. Monosyllabic last names. 2. Being dumped by main characters, and eventually become engaged.
AND NOW, A BRIEF INTERLUDE WITH THE AMAZING WEASLEY FAMILY!
Molly and Arthur Weasley: The loving, but exhausted, parents of the Weasley clan are quite thrilled that within a few years they may finally have the house all to themselves again, even if Arthur will likely shatter any hope for peace and quiet with his newly acquired Muggle-manufactured entertainment system.
Bill Weasley: Along with his new bride, Fleur Delacouer, opens a successful steakhouse franchise, providing Britain with its first taste of properly cooked meat. He is soon knighted for his efforts.
Charlie Weasley: The Hogwarts equivalent of Chuck Cunningham, as far as we know, he’s still living in Romania working with the dragons. Some things will never change.
Percy Weasley: Having dabbled briefly with the dark side throughout the series, Percy finally decides that full-fledged malevolence requires too much energy. He settles instead for a comfortable middle management position at the Ministry of Magic, crushing peoples hopes and dreams through his mastery of Bureaucromancy.
Fred and George Weasley: Arrested by British anti-terrorism authorities after “accidentally” filling the House of Lords with Bertie Botts’ Every Flavored Jellybeans. An escape seems to be in the works, however.
Ginny Weasley: Eager to capture Harry’s affections once and for all, Ginny stands outside his window, holding the Sorting Hat over her head and forcing it to sing a heartwrenching Peter Gabriel medley. Harry is actually too busy to pay attention at the time, what with trying to finish off Voldemort, but he makes it up to her afterwards by asking her out on a real, honest-to-goodness date at a fancy restaurant.
(WE NOW RETURN YOU TO THE REST OF THE HARRY POTTER CAST)
Remus Lupin: In an inspired move, Lupin joins forces with Bill Weasley to become the greatest team of crime-fighting lycanthropes in British history. The spin-off possibilities are endless!
Nymphadora Tonks: Highly supportive of Lupin's efforts to combat illegal activity in Britain. Unfortunately, due to that country’s low crime rate, those plans seem doomed to fail unless someone can find some vice for he and Bill to confront...and fast. Good thing he has a clever, shapeshifting girlfriend who is more than willing to manipulate the seedy underbelly of Diagon Alley to boost her boyfriend’s self-esteem.
Dolores Umbridge: After her negative portrayal in Cornelius Fudge’s tell-all memoir, Dolores’ already tenuous grasp of reality begins to crumble and she eventually becomes what was foreshadowed so strongly in the new movie...a crazy cat lady.
Sybill Trelawney: One word—LASIK!
Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody: Ditto.
Professor Flitwick: Singlehandedly defeats the Empire, saves a magical princess, and protects his pot of gold from meddling teenagers, all while conducting the Hogwarts chorus in a rousing rendition of the school’s alma mater during Harry’s graduation.
Gilderoy Lockhart: Has finally relearned to distinguish simple shapes and colors. The doctors also say that he can dress himself, but that seems like a bit of a stretch.
Dobby and Kreacher: Ah, the simple pleasures of a house-elf knife fight! No matter who dies, everybody wins. Except for Filch...he has to clean up the mess.
The Dursleys: Except for Dudley’s brief stint on the competitive eating circuit, Harry’s foster family fades back into obscurity, just like they always wanted.
And last but not least:
Horace Slughorn: Thinks that all of these people are terribly interesting and wants to invite them all to dinner at his place so that they can get to know each other. You know, a little party with a few rising stars! Refreshments will be served.
That’s all I’ve got for now. If there are any characters that you feel I missed and you would like me to speculate upon their fates before I return to America and actually read the last book, let me know.
Otherwise, to those of you brave and/or foolish enough to stand in line at midnight in order to get the book, best of luck. And to J.K. Rowling, whom I doubt will ever read this blog as she has far better things to do with her time, thank you for all of your hard work in sharing this world and these characters with us...and please don’t sue me.
Comments:
If I'm not mistaken (and it's eminently possible that I am), Hermione does not return to Hogwarts for her 7th year (nor does Ron or Harry), since, as I recall, book 6 ended with them all agreeing to go hunt down Voldemort and to hell with schooling. But, if I'm mistaken, please, someone, let me know. Or, I suppose I could read the book eventually.
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