Tales of the Invisible Ben

Underwood Holiday Party 2006: The Highlights

Last weekend was the annual Underwood High School social studies department holiday party, and despite neither of us actually being members of the department, the history teachers saw fit to invite both me and my girlfriend to attend. I had been to this party a few times in the past, but for my girlfriend this was a strange, new world.

Here are a few of the highlights from this year's event:

• The inevitable conversational trend: There were more than three teachers in a room together. Therefore the majority of discussion had to center on school, no matter how much everyone claimed they wanted not to think about it.
  
• Person with the least original insights to contribute on the subject of Underwood High: Yours truly.
• Person with the most to add about having every Friday off and sleeping until 8:30 most days of the week: See previous.
• Person with cutest date: Ditto. (And not just according to me! Apparently my girlfriend and I are the first relationship to have started at Underwood, and the history staff think that is just awesome.)
  
• Most commonly asked question: So, Ben...how's graduate school?
• Most annoying followup question: So, Ben...what do you do with a Ph.D. in the history of science again?
• Safest response to a followup question: Probably become a professor.
• Response most likely to provoke ire of girlfriend: I don't know...I'm more worried about passing this semester.
  
• Most touchy subject for Underwood teachers these days: The administrative ban on suspensions
• Alternate disciplinary techniques: Detentions, phone calls home, yelling really loudly
• Recourse should alternate techniques fail: Shake fist and curse administration.
• Most hated piece of Underwood electrical equipment: Loudspeaker, due to principal's inability to gauge how long she should talk to the student body at the end of the day.
  
• Noteworthy rhetorical trend: Calling out individual students' names on the intercom if they are seen wandering the hallways.
• Newest rivalry: Members of the Underwood football team apparently got themselves into a little skirmish with a local gang. It got so bad that the football team was forbidden from wearing their uniforms to school or else risk getting jumped.
• Latest example of administrative meddling in the curriculum: All out of African-American history textbooks? Want to look like you're still giving the kids something to take home? Give them plain old American history textbooks instead. No one will ever notice the difference... (The principal actually suggested this to the head of the history department before he pointed out the absurdity of her suggestion by forcing her to put it in writing.)
• Most heated subject of discussion: Nature v. Nurture in the context of educational achievement.
• Close second: The school's union representative's call for a letter apologizing to a professional development facilitator from downtown after Underwood's staff didn't take kindly to getting told that they weren't doing enough to help their students succeed. (And the shoddy state of the union in general)
  
• Pickiest eater: Not someone at the party per se, but the former department head's grandson apparently went a full 4 days without eating when his mother wouldn't serve him toast, yogurt, or pancakes for dinner.
• Most original appetizer: Buffalo wing dip. Chicken meat + cheese + a full bottle of hot sauce=Genius!
• Most original dessert: Chocolate Mouse. (Not Mousse. Mouse.) With a Hershey Kiss head and a chocolate covered maraschino cherry serving as body/tail, this was a big hit.
  
• Least original dessert: My homemade chocolate fudge...for the third year in a row.
• Most surprising person in attendance: One of the former student teachers from my second year at Underwood has been promoted to history teacher status with all of the privileges involved.
• Most sought after item: My annual holiday movie quote contest (which will be posted soon) but was normally distributed around this time of year to the various members of the Underwood faculty.
• Noticeable absences: The math department head is normally invited, but she was MIA. The same held true for the teacher who constantly asks my girlfriend how I'm doing. The one time I'm in town, he's not there. Talk about an unexpected turn of events!
• The final ruling: A good time was had by all...including me, despite the distinct feeling of being an outsider since I left the educational trenches and my girlfriend, who was more than willing to bring me up to speed whenever I got confused about new faculty members' names.
• The only downside: Both of us still had class on Monday...