Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Newbie
I realized yesterday that so far as teaching is concerned, I am officially no longer a newbie. Yup...two years under my belt. Faced down all kinds of knuckleheads. Wrote some good lessons. All around "been there, done that" kind of life.
So why do I still seem to suck at my job?
I got home yesterday around 6:30, feeling drained and empty. My penultimate class in particular has left me feeling miserable about my job. Nothing like being cussed out and completely ignored. (Example: "Underwood has a no-pass policy so finish your bathroom business before coming to class because I won't be writing you a pass." Ten seconds later... "Can I go to the bathroom?") And meanwhile, everyone else seemed to having a perfectly good day. The new science teacher said it was his best day of teaching ever. After school, I'm wandering the hallways like a goddamned ghost, chatting with other teachers to gauge the seriousness of my problems.
I'm not a newbie. There's no excuse for my failings.
Someone told me I'm too nice. Maybe that's the problem. So I'll try intimidation. Scare tactics. Tales of how 80% of my students failed me because they underestimated my resolve. And maybe a few will care or notice, but the majority probably won't. So what then? Crush them with homework, make them write notes until their knuckles bleed, and call home every night? I mean, I nearly stayed at school past 6 to make calls to every kid in my worst class. If they act out again today, I will make calls. (Seating charts having been made, I can now hammer down who's who...) Should that be if or when?
I'm not a newbie. I can smell the storm on the horizion.
I know what's coming. And I dread it. Because the first day sets the tone. And I screwed up. Not with every class. But with one. And if that one has the potential to make me miserable when only half the kids show up, I dread a classroom full of (ahem) students. My friends say I'm overly critical. My parents say to focus on the positive and deal with what I can control. I say the point is my lack of control...the things I can control on my end, the paperwork and planning...that part's easy. (Well, easier.) The students...I can't manage them effectively.
And it's not because I'm a newbie. I don't have that fall back on anymore.
Now it's just incompetence.
I realized yesterday that so far as teaching is concerned, I am officially no longer a newbie. Yup...two years under my belt. Faced down all kinds of knuckleheads. Wrote some good lessons. All around "been there, done that" kind of life.
So why do I still seem to suck at my job?
I got home yesterday around 6:30, feeling drained and empty. My penultimate class in particular has left me feeling miserable about my job. Nothing like being cussed out and completely ignored. (Example: "Underwood has a no-pass policy so finish your bathroom business before coming to class because I won't be writing you a pass." Ten seconds later... "Can I go to the bathroom?") And meanwhile, everyone else seemed to having a perfectly good day. The new science teacher said it was his best day of teaching ever. After school, I'm wandering the hallways like a goddamned ghost, chatting with other teachers to gauge the seriousness of my problems.
I'm not a newbie. There's no excuse for my failings.
Someone told me I'm too nice. Maybe that's the problem. So I'll try intimidation. Scare tactics. Tales of how 80% of my students failed me because they underestimated my resolve. And maybe a few will care or notice, but the majority probably won't. So what then? Crush them with homework, make them write notes until their knuckles bleed, and call home every night? I mean, I nearly stayed at school past 6 to make calls to every kid in my worst class. If they act out again today, I will make calls. (Seating charts having been made, I can now hammer down who's who...) Should that be if or when?
I'm not a newbie. I can smell the storm on the horizion.
I know what's coming. And I dread it. Because the first day sets the tone. And I screwed up. Not with every class. But with one. And if that one has the potential to make me miserable when only half the kids show up, I dread a classroom full of (ahem) students. My friends say I'm overly critical. My parents say to focus on the positive and deal with what I can control. I say the point is my lack of control...the things I can control on my end, the paperwork and planning...that part's easy. (Well, easier.) The students...I can't manage them effectively.
And it's not because I'm a newbie. I don't have that fall back on anymore.
Now it's just incompetence.
